Two realizations- neurodivergent self-discoveries- I've had recently:
Listening to this podcast and this podcast made me realize that I have lived in a world that has rarely mirrored me back at me. Not seeing myself in the world. Wondering why other people seemed to understand what was going on, how to act, what to do, what to say- and I didn't. That created a tremendous amount of self doubt.
When you don't find signs of yourself in the world- people who think, act, and process like you...it's so confusing. I learned early that there must be something wrong with me, because the way I was annoyed people, confused them, got me in trouble, made people laugh (at me). I was identified as a gifted child, but I often felt stupid.
That warm sinking in feeling of being gotten, of being understood...I saw it happen, and I longed for it. The feeling of a circuit being completed and then running between me and another person- I crave it. It's a gateway into more understanding, curiosity, and exploration. It is such a lonely thing to have such a deep need for connection and go through life as the "wrong" kind of plug.
Being diagnosed with AuDHD is soothing that loneliness. It feels like a miracle to be social in neurodivergent dominated spaces, the commonalities pour over me with a deep sense of relief. I'm not alone. I am in the world, we are in the world. We have all just been hiding and masking ourselves, doing "normal" because that was the only option offered.
The second thing I realized is that the reason I spend so much time paying attention to other people is I'm trying to know what to do, and what I actually need to do is pay attention to myself. My reflex is looking at what other people are doing and then try to overlay it onto what I want to do as a way to make sure what I'm doing makes sense.
It feels like a lot of my work right now is tuning in to my own system and senses. Asking myself What am I experiencing? What do I have to say? What is my idea? Other people make great cheat sheets, but they don't help me live in my own life experience. Spending a ton of time online isn't helping me learn, it's like using a treadmill to run a race- you get a run in, but you don't get anywhere.
It's such a reflex to go outside of myself for information that I will share, a diluted version of me. It's making me nervous to think that I would just put myself out into the world as myself, no unnecessary masking, not normaling things up so they're palatable or... credible. It's a flavor of people pleasing and codependency, but not that. It's more about me not feeling like an outsider or feeling stupid rather than prioritizing others needs... it's actually not about anyone else at all.
So much of this feels like it's about approval and acceptance, a lot of it informed by being raised in the 70's and 80's.
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