I like to be amazed at how things fall into place- how the right person, book or podcast comes along and helps me learn what I need to know. That's what happened to me in April of this year. I listened to a "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast, and the Jaklin Levine-Pritzker talked about how ADHD shows up for them. The way she described her experience related so much to me. It stunned me. The idea that I might be ADHD had never once crossed my mind, not once had anyone ever suggested it.
Even though I struggled in school, had impulse control issues, attention issues, and constantly heard about how I wasn't living up to my potential. And why would ADHD occur to anyone? I'm a white, cis woman born in 1971. Girls don't have ADHD, and it's been so long since I was young. One, who cares at this point, and two, I'd grown out of it by now, right? But I hadn't grown out of it. Perimenopause and menopause very well may have made it worse, since we don't research women's health, who would have known? Certainly not me.
I thought my anxiety and depression were normal responses to the executive function struggles I experienced. I didn't even know executive function existed! I thought if I just tried harder and made more lists and did more stuff, I would find the motivation to get the things done and get them done right. I learned that executive function helps you organize your life. It helps you drive your car, find out where you need to go, make plans, prioritize. It helps you focus, finish tasks and understand the steps of accomplishing things.
I thought if I just tried harder and made more lists and did more stuff, I would find the motivation to get the things done and get them done right. I learned that executive function helps you organize your life. It helps you drive your car, find out where you need to go, make plans, prioritize. It helps you focus, finish tasks and understand the steps of accomplishing things.
Executive Functioning (EF) is an umbrella term that describes the skills involved in controlling cognitions (thoughts) and goal-directed behaviors. It includes task initiation, inhibition, mental flexibility, novel problem solving, planning, time management, emotion regulation, and self-awareness. These are foundational skills that help a person to organize their thoughts, motivations, and actions toward goals. Executive functioning is not the same as IQ; meaning a person can have a high IQ and continue to experience significant executive functioning difficulties. (from Neurodivergent Insights)
It is not something you can try harder at. Trying harder actually creates burnout when things go from confusing to frustrating, from bad to worse. I'd spent my whole life in a world of confusion and lack of understanding, covered up by my capability and friendliness, a skill I learned waiting tables. Getting diagnosed with ADHD helped me understand myself so much better. It gave me the relief I needed all this time. It helps me be curious about how my brain works and be willing to experiment with different systems until I find things that work best for me.
That willingness led me to listen to another person on "We Can Do Hard Things", Devon Price. Listening to them talk about how productivity is a useless benchmark inspired me to buy their books. I bought all of them, all three of them as a bundle. The book I read last was called "Unmasking Autism", and that book changed my life again. As I read it, I felt like they described me, my life, my experiences. I started to question if I could also be autistic. So I started reading, researching and listening to everything I could find, and the more I learned, the more I knew: I am autistic.
I'm not going to get an “official” autism diagnosis. I have discussed it with my therapist and my psychiatrist did an autism screening with me and said I'm autistic. For me at this point, their agreement and my own knowing are enough. There are also downsides to having an autism diagnosis on my "official" medical record- like not being able to move to some countries, or the possibility of losing my parental rights.
Getting a mid-life autism-ADHD diagnosis (at 53) has been like cleaning the lens, focusing my endlessly blurry life. I am learning to unmask, to not compensate and try to appear normal, but to embrace the person I am and work with her and, most importantly, care for her.
So many things make sense now. Blackout drinking, starting at 14, the ways I didn't protect myself, not being able to function well at college or even after, waiting tables for most of my adult life, not understanding social things like dating, but acting like it was how it was in the romance novels I read as a teenager, so much literal thinking. All of this is still so new, and yet it feels like an old shoe. Of course, I'm Autistic-ADHD. It makes total sense to me. It's the thing I don't feel like I need to prove because it just is.
I think mental health is moving in a new direction, a direction that supports people being the most themselves they can be, rather than pathologizing their personalities and brain function, working with it so life makes sense and we can thrive. So often we don't need to process the past. We need others to hear and see us in our present and develop ways of being that truly support and care for the people we are, not who society needs us to become to feed the ravenous machine of capitalism.
I have been on a journey all my life internally feeling like I was awesome, but not able to find people who reflected back to me who I am in the world. Now that I know about being autistic-ADHD, I know where to look so the world makes sense. Listening to allistic people tell me what a good life is never worked because I couldn't understand what they meant. Now I know how to care for myself, because I listen and learn from other people who share my experience.
It has given me such relief, and I am embracing the impermanence and complexity with a sense of joyful awe and curiosity. It's not all easy. I have regrets, sadness and what-ifs, but I feel so grateful that I'm AuDHD and can share my experience so someone else can find and care for themselves, too.
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